Greetings everybody. Let me introduce myself. My name is John Vishloff, and I’m an evil mastermind. I was born in Russia more years ago than I care to remember, and my brother and I moved out to Canada when we were young men. Ever since I was a child people had referred to me as being nefarious, which proved to be true; as soon as I had taken on step in my new hometown of Mission BC, I yearned to control it completely and enslave its inhabitants. I started small, gaining the trust of the townsfolk by running a convenience store with my brother and being a foreign craftsman of unknown sorts. There was a minor setback when my brother rebelled against me and led a small militia to thwart my malicious schemes. This so called rebellion was crushed swiftly enough. With this so called DRM (Dlugosh Resistance Movement) out of the way, I moved swiftly to assert complete dominance . I used all my cunning to seize control of the League of Evil, the inner circle of all evil doers in Mission, from the notorious Sebastién Bertrand Hugénot, and established the execrable enterprise Vishcorps. When my leadership was secure, I burnt down the Institute for Paraplegic Blind Orphans, and built my house where it once stood. By this point I had agents in nearly all levels of infrastructure, and I had firm control over the corrupt municipal government, the current mayor at the time simply being my puppet.
I soon began to see that I was becoming old and frail; if the proper steps were not taken, I would die before the complete and utter control of Mission could be accomplished. I used all my knowledge and influence to see what could be done about this. Before long, I became aware of certain manuscripts that were found on the Peak of Leprechaun Mountain, one of which contained the key to immortality. I sent out my head agent to find this manuscript. He failed miserably, so gleefully I tortured him to insanity. I found myself a new younger Searcher, and his youthful enthusiasm proved to be the missing link; it wasn’t long before he knelt before me and handed me the prized manuscript written by a crazed hermit named Miles years ago. With the help of my Seer, Squeauttée Rouselle, I unlocked the secrets hidden in those worn pages! Scoff if you wish, but you will pay for for your mockery in the blood of your children, and your children’s children, because I, John Vishloff, am now immortal, and I will continue to haunt this world until it has fallen into the darkness of the eternal Abyss!
With Death defeated, my victory seemed imminent. My Army was nearly ready to be deployed, and Mike, the Herald of Ultimate Evil, was prepared to declare my complete domination and control to the oblivious residents of Mission, when the blasted Order of Two came around and started to complicate my plans! These boys, while young, are nearly my equals in terms of cunning! They are empowered by the divine being Trashcat, and are always one step ahead of me and all my sinful schemes! They have defeated all my assassins, bested my greatest agents; they’ve even reinstated the militia called the DRM, in honour of my brother that I slew mercilessly years ago. They’ve discovered all my compounds and watch towers. Even my secret training facility and the construction of my Fortress of Negritude is not unknown to them and their accomplices! They have the potential to ruin my decades of evil planning!
if you have any information on this so called Order of Two, or any ideas or helpful tidbits on how to rid myself of their existence, you can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org, or through one of my henchmen, Shivloff, my Second-in-Command; Gloshdov, my Estonian minion who is the handler of Advor the Annoyingator, my secret weapon, or the Talking Catfish, who you’ll recognize quite easily as he is the only catfish in the world who wears a suite and smokes.
The Nefarious John Vishloff